Broken

BROKEN

When you look at me

What do you see?

Do you see me like I do?

Broken?

Do you spend your days like me?

Wondering when the pain will ever end?

Do you spend hours wishing you weren't here?

Nighttimes crying?

Every time you walk past me

Do you wonder if I can't look at you for fear?

Or do you look inside

Where I can't tell you about?

Where my skin covers my broken heart

Where my hair that covers the hurt thoughts

Do you see the dried tear tracks

Where I cried alone last night?

Do you feel the pain

Of my heart being broken?

Do you see the scars

That haven't healed?

Can't you see?

I'm broken

Places to worn to stitch back up

Eyes too dry to cry no more

And yet

I still hurt

Deep, deep down inside

From the scars that somebody I loved gave me

Two Broken Hearts - part two

I woke up with a jerk. i had fallen asleep on my bed again. I looked at my clock and realized i must have slept for sixteen hours. I had never slept that long before. It was now eight o'clock in the morning.

Suddenly i heard the car start up in the garage next door. I heard i back down the drive then i got up and I watched Wendy drive down the drive. She was going to town to buy some groceries. Again. With me here they always seemed to be needing something. I know Gerry was working, as always.

Wendy had being gone half an hour and already i was bored. I got up from my bed and got dressed, then i started dusting. I hated dusting. Then i vacuumed the carpet, and mopped and polished the wooden floors.

Still i was bored. My mind wandered. That horse out in the stables. The one Gerry and Wendy brought yesterday. I wondered what it was doing.

It was used to being outside so it must be bored stiff, i decided. I quietly slipped outside to the stables. There was two stables, and one big hay shed, empty. I walked to the nearest stable.

The brown pony was standing there, head hanging and ears dropped sideways. I felt kinda sorry for him. He didn't like humans, and i didn't want another horse. Especially not one that looked like Shadow.

I pulled up a overturned metal bucket and sat on it, and i watched him. To my surprise, he watched me back. Not with interest. But with a dull dispirited look. It was like he expected me to hurt him, in some way.

I watched him for ages. Time seemed to slide by, and i heard the car pull up. I quickly jumped up making my pail clatter to the ground. The pony started jumping back to the back of his stall. I ran into my room and shut the door. I picked up my book and pretended to read. But all i could see was that pony's face, when i startled him. His eyes were wide with fear, but his ears were pinned flat back as though he was angry.

“Dear?” Wendy's voice sounded at my door. “Are you in there?”

I put down my book, and opened the door. “Yeah, where did you think I'd be?”

Her face told me where. In with the pony bonding. Suddenly i hated that pony. I hated him for coming here and ruining Shadow's memory, and i hated him for having the same colour coat as Shadow.

Bitter emotions must have been running over my face because Wendy looked chastened.

“I'm sorry dear.” she said her eyes truly sorry. “I didn't mean anything by that i just-” she broke off.

I knew what she was going to say. That she just wanted to help me get over Shadow's death and start riding again.

But my face had cut her off. I knew what i looked like because i could see myself in my mirror next to the door. My eyes were little slits in my head, and my mouth was in a thin straight tight line, and all the veins were sticking out all over my neck. This meant i was either very angry and trying to keep my temper or it meant i was going to blow.

She didn't say anything, she just stood there with her eyes lowered. I pushed past her and i started to run. I ran all the way down to the back paddock right out to the little stream, that only Shadow and i knew about. It was right in the corner of the paddock, tucked away in the pines and brambles.

I had made a seat to place there, and which now wore a little brass plate saying, May you become a true Shadow, my dear friend. I rubbed my fingers over the brass plate. My fingers left little warm prints where i touched it.

I curled up on the chair, and sat there just listening to the soft water trickling through the rocks. Daylight fell fast and soon i was in the dark. My empty stomach betrayed me with a grumble. I knew i would have to eat soon, much to my disgust. I did not want to go back up to the house, at least not until tomorrow.

Two Broken Hearts -Part One-

He was scrawny. He was skinny. He was a boring brown colour. He was about fourteen-two hands high. Barely a horse. He had four stockings and one oval shaped star on his forehead. I think. It is quite hard to tell because of all the mud up his body.

  The horse I'm thinking about is a walking skeleton with skin on it. He has been living in a small paddock about half and acre in size there were approximately fifteen horses jammed in it. They were so tightly packed they can barely move. These horses are down the back of a very big horse farm. I don't think anybody ever sees these horses. Everyone only ever sees the ones out the front which are probably just as skinny. But you can't really tell because they have rugs on.

“So what do you think?” asked the owner, a very big guy who's name was Guy.

“Do you want any?” he asked again turning to me and my caregivers.

My caregivers had seen me looking at the brown pony. They knew I wouldn't say a thing.

“Yes,” the wife said,- her name was Wendy.- “We'll have the brown pony.”

I glared at them. I knew it was a bad idea coming here. I didn't want another pony. I walked up to the Ute that was parked on the hill overlooking the paddock, and jumped in.

 I watched Guy walked into the paddock from the Ute. I instantly saw the fear on the pony's faces they all hurried away from him, as far away as they could walk in that tiny paddock. The brown pony. He was just standing there. Guy walked up to him and grabbed the rope that was hanging from an oversized halter. The brown pony didn't react. Guy yanked the lead rope and the pony numbly came forward.

 My caregivers opened up the trailer standing there ready for the pony in case they needed to help. They didn't. Guy got the end of the rope and beat the pony with it until he dashed up the float ramp. He then slammed the bum bar across the pony's butt and locked it in place. I cringed. This guy hated that pony. I couldn't stand it. I had jumped out and was watching. But not now. Before Guy could do anything more i shoved him aside and gently pushed up the ramp and locked it.

“That will be one hundred dollars,” Guy said. “Cause you got a good, quiet pony.”

My caregivers handed it over. The husband- who's name was Gerry- jumped in the drivers seat. We all got in the Ute and Gerry backed it out.

  There was a deafening silence almost all the way home. Until i voiced an a thought that just wouldn't go away.

“We should call the SPCA on him. He is cruel and he is starving those horses! And in the middle of winter too!!”

Wendy spoke up. “That's the first thing I'm going to do when we get home. Minus putting the horse away.” she paused. “That reminds me, what are you going to call him?”

We were just pulling in the driveway. I looked down at my shoes. Then I spoke up.

“Nothing! I'm not naming him anything!”

Wendy replied “ Dear, I know you are heartbroken over Shadow's death-” I cut her off sharply

“Don't talk like that!” I yelled “Just because he is --”

I couldn't get the word out. My throat choked on it. So I carried on.

“-doesn't mean you have to get me another horse! And within three weeks too!” I jumped out of the ute and ran inside to my room. Without them knowing i watched them unload the horse. He was covered in sweat and was trembling all over. He barely could stand and put one foot in behind another to come down the ramp. I knew they were going to put him in the stables. He was to skinny to go out to grass. Especially with the amount he had probably never had.

   I turned away from the window, and I collapsed on my bed and stared up at the ceiling dry eyed. As I did the first night that Shadow disappeared out of my life.

                                                           

Dirt

Dirt is at the bottom of things. No matter where you go, you see dirt, you smell it, you feel it, and you feel dirty. I know here in the middle of winter it's not dirt that bugs me, its mud. I know dirt is just mud without that water.

   I pulled my gumboot out of the mud that I accidentally got it stuck in and then I realized my other foot got stuck twice as bad. I stuck my other foot back in the gumboot. Then I pulled at my other gumboot. Nothing. Not even a slight hint of movement. I used two hands braced myself. My gumboot came loose and I went flying backwards.

SPLAT!

I had landed back first in the mud all my hair and everything covered in mud. I staggered up and fell again, this time landing face forwards.

  I crawled to the gate and out into the drive and stood up. I walked to the door of my house and discovered my brother and his wife had arrived while I was out in the back paddock fighting with my gumboots.

“Don't ask, and don't laugh” I said without cracking a smile. Too late though. My brother howled with laughter and my sister in law sniggered.

I sighed. It didn't really work though because when I sighed mud went everywhere. I trudged into my house and threw open the door leaving mud all over the door handle. I took my muddy gumboots off but when I walked through the house it still left mud tracks.

  I don’t think I would ever win. With Mud, Dirt or Dust!

I think I shall be forever scarred by this. Erm how about embarrassed?

The Last Dance

I stood on top of the cliff, eyes on the pier below. As normal there was nobody down there.

  My eyes scanned the edge of the cliff, searching and finding the little path that ran down the cliff. I cautiously walked towards it, and having reached it i dropped down in the little hollow that started the path, and then started running down the cliff, carefully avoiding the rusting rail and the edge of the cliff.

  My heartbeat accelerated, and my bare brown feet flew down the path. I could feel even my pulse pounding in my throat and my heart hammering to be let out.

  I couldn’t stop myself when I reached the fishing pier, because of the speed I was going. So I just kept on running and when I reached the end of the pier I flung my arms out wide and then pointed them out behind my back and dove in headfirst.

  The water was icy. It all rushed by my face as I tried not to shiver in the water. I let myself fall deeper and deeper in the salt water. When I finally opened my eyes the salt water stung my eyes and the water was a dark blue. I could see the sand not very far beneath me. I could feel my lungs start to scream. So I slowly folded my body in half so my hands could touch my toes, only I flung my toes down until they were pointing at the ocean floor. I used my arms to glide me to the surface. The surface never seemed far away no matter how far I sank to the bottom.

  I had this insane fasciation with the ocean. In the worst storms of the season I would sneak down here and stand on the pier and just stand there and listen. When there was too much lightning I would sit here with my back and my feet touching the poles that supported the planks.

  This was where I spent my days. If I could. This was where I felt real, and not just another teenager in the world. This was where I could live. Not like at home where everybody saw me and thought about my funeral. I have cancer. I only have three months to live.

  You see, when you are dying you don’t want to be around people who pity you, or treat you as though you are already gone. You really want to be around people who celebrate that you are still alive, and enjoy living with you. Like the ocean. Like down here at the pier. Like where I am now, soaking wet and freezing cold, but I shall stay here until I cannot anymore, dancing with the wind.

For The Love Of A Friend

FOR THE LOVE OF A FRIEND

Anytime you ask

I will give my life for you

Any chance that I get

I will help you in anyway I can

This is because

You are my friend

And I would do all of that

For the love of a friend

No matter where you are

Or what you are doing

Don't forget

I'm praying for you

Any friend of mine

I love and cherish

And will do anything for you

Because you are-

My Friend

© Writtenbysomebody

Searching For You

SEARCHING FOR YOU

He looks out the window,

For the fourth time that night,

His eyes scan the driveway,

And look down the road

Because he is-

Searching for you,

The one who walked out of his life,

To many years ago

He has hunted every road,

Looked down every street,

Heard dead end story's,

That never lead him -to you

But somehow,

That never changes his heart,

He still loves you,

No matter where you are

He still lays in bed at night,

His arms aching,

To hold his daughter,

Until she falls asleep

His handkerchief

Stays dry in his pocket

Because you are not there

For him to wipe away the tears

© Writtenbysomebody

One Moment

ONE MOMENT

Laughing, as we rode together down the road

Crying, the next moment

When i woke up and discovered

You are no longer there

You, my best friend,

My special buddy,

My dream come true,

Is, lying six feet under

All because of me,

All because i refused to listen,

When you told me,

Not to cross that corner

On that blind corner,

A truck came around,

And hit you,

But nevertheless you did your best

And saved me from dying,

And in return,

You died,

Leaving me heartbroken

I wish i had listened,

I wish i had done what you had said,

My special partner and friend,

Now you are buried, without even a headstone to mark your grave

© Writtenbysomebody

My Mother

My Mother

My mother was in the kitchen baking cookies

My heart drifted in on the fragrance

And wrapped around her

She may not have noticed

As I stood in the doorway telling her how much I loved her

But maybe one day she'll know

That I love her more than anything

As she was standing there

I prayed for her safety and her life-

And when my heart cried

She was always there for me- loving me,

Praying for me, thanking me, praising me-

You may have many friends

But you only have one mother-

I love you mum

Written On Mothers Day 2009

© Writtenbysomebody

The Ice Queen

  The look in her eyes chilled me. It also stopped me from saying my next thought. Good thing too, because if I had said it, it probably would have dumped me in some deep cow muck. No, not cow muck, more like her ice prison.

  Her face lead me to contemplate what I could say and do next. I was just short of getting up and walking out. I wondered if she could see this on my face. One sincerely hopes not.

  My fingers were frozen in her chilled room. I wondered how a slim woman like her could keep warm in that get-up she was wearing. A thin pale blue shirt, a black mini-skirt, and these awfully painful looking sharp high heels- black with a sliver buckle on them-. They were so high I swear she could walk up to somebody six feet tall and still be taller then them!

  I know my face was frozen. I mean, who's face wouldn't be in a room like this? It seemed as though she lived in ice and snow. Brr.

  She looked up from her desk (clear glass with a blue tint to it) with a frown as deep as the grand canyon on her face.

“Why are you still here?” she asked frostily. Her face couldn't even crack a smile, even if somebody smashed her face and put it back together in a smile. It wouldn't work!

“I-” she cut me off. How rude, I thought.

“Didn't you hear me?!” she said her words frosting me to my chair. “Get out!”

I broke her ice cold gaze and cracked my butt off my seat. Then got up and left. So much for that, I thought disappointedly. Not even the sunniest person in the office could warm the ice queen. Or even get her to crack a smile.

I looked back to her door. A smile came to my face as I thought of one last way I could get her to smile.

I picked up my phone and dialed a number. Then another one. Then I put down the phone. My work here was done. I know she would smile now.

Later that afternoon a bouquet of flowers, oh such a pretty pale blue colour and a expensive box of chocolates arrived at the front desk for the ice queen.

  She came out of her office and looked at them in shock, who would send her these flowers? And the chocolates? She looked at the tag and it said: To a very special lady, from a friend!

   Right in front of the whole office and me she did something none of us had seen. She smiled.

© Writtenbysomebody

Information on Kaimanawa's

You know, I've been to librarys all over the place and everyplace that I've looked, I've never found anything solely or even on Kaimanawas.

Kaimanawas? you may be thinking, what are those? Well, they are the North Island's only wild horses. They are so beautiful, and so free. They are New Zealand's Mustangs, they are New Zealand's own breed of horses. A breed that nature has designed to live in New Zealand, and to jump twice and sometimes three times their height, to swim the deepest rivers in New Zealand, to cross the highest mountain without flinching. I'm not kidding. If you make friends with one of these horses they with do anything for you, and not only that but they will put their whole heart into it too.

They are so surefooted they would make domesticated horses look clumsy, even the ones who look surefooted when you get them.

Ride a Kai out in the pitch dark where even you can't see, then turn around and let the reins loose, and guaranteed that horse will take you home safely without putting one foot wrong.

When you want to go and do endurance they can go for miles without stopping or putting a foot wrong. Did i mention their feet? They are like shoes on a horse. No need to shoe them. Just let their feet grow out and take them for a hoon. They will do the rest.

As for companionship they are great at that too, but they are a one-man-horse/pony so to speak. They find it very hard when they have to swap owners. When they have one owner they stick with them, and they bond with them a bond a lot stronger then normal horses.

With their coat colour, well it's like three different colours put together to create one colour. Occasionally you get a normal looking Kai, but not very often. I've seen a flaxen maned, strawberry roaned chestnut. I've seen a chocolate bay, chestnut. I've seen a faded black, chocolate. If you ask me, these aren't normal horses, they are something special that everybody should want.

As for smartness, well these horses beat every other horses IQ. I've known Kai's to open horse proof gates, jump electric fences as a two year old. I've seen these horses think their way out of ropes wrapped around their legs that other horses would panic at.

I've seen a beautiful Arab/thoroughbred type Kaimanawa gallop, and canter far more beautiful then a thoroughbred, and look way better then a Arab while doing it.

Did i mention that you will never be bored with these horses? They surely keep you busy and keep you guessing. They can be a sweet cuddly little pony one day, and a beautiful wild Kaimanawa the next and not even in days either, they can flip within seconds. But let me tell you this, they will never ever purposely hurt a person. If you get hurt, its because you weren't listening to your horse or it was your fault entirely.

Kaimanawas have a special name. I don't think many horses were named because of their speed. Thoroughbreds were named because they were supposed to be very well bred horses. Kaimanawa means- Kai – man – awa – Eat – the – wind.

© Writtenbysomebody